On resources/ information
for lesbians
You have to remember, this was years ago. Probably in the thirties. No indication, nothing written, no organizations, no books. Had no idea that there was such as thing as a lesbian.
I didn't know anybody. There wasn't any place to go. Nothing.
I read a book Cynthia had called Diane. Somebody recommended it, some guy actually.… So that was kind of a Bible in a way. There wasn't much of anything in print. Except The Well of Loneliness. Not helpful.
The Well of Loneliness was a major book. It was the only book to read and it has a wrong slant on everything!
The irony is that I knew all these social workers. A lot of them worked for the Girl Scouts. Some worked for the Campfire Girls. Some lived in the same building that I had an apartment in.… You'd go to a social work conference and somebody would say, "After this session, everybody's getting together at so-and-so's for drinks. Whether you drink or not, come. We'll socialize." And so fine, I'd get invited, I'd go.
I'd walk into a room and I'd see a heap of women. I mean a heap. I mean they would be heaped on a bed, just being together. And when I would walk into the room I always felt like something in the process stopped. And nobody said who they were, what they were. There was no passing on of information, of culture, of anything. So it would make me feel… you know. I liked being with these people, but there's some kind of mystery here and it's like… It's as if this was a club and you had to have a secret password and everybody knew it but me. That's how I used to feel.
I'd walk into a room and I'd see a heap of women. I mean a heap. I mean they would be heaped on a bed, just being together. And when I would walk into the room I always felt like something in the process stopped. And nobody said who they were, what they were. There was no passing on of information, of culture, of anything. So it would make me feel… you know. I liked being with these people, but there's some kind of mystery here and it's like… It's as if this was a club and you had to have a secret password and everybody knew it but me. That's how I used to feel.
There wasn't any information at that time. I believed I was committing this horrible sin. The only thing I saw about it was in a list of sins in my little prayer book. Sodomy, having to do with men having sex with each other, made me think I must be committing that sin, although I wasn't even sure of its meaning.
The only book I read was The Well of Loneliness. And so I thought, "Well, even in fiction they can't make it any better." So I thought who would want this?
I went to the library and I found the books I wanted to read. And I took these books up and I said I wanted to check these out. "Well, you can't check these out without an interview with the librarian." And she looked up and said, "Oh, but you're a registered nurse!" and checked them out.
I read my first lesbian book after college. It was a classic, The Well of Loneliness, which everyone needs to read but NOT use as a role model.
Those were the days when there wasn't anybody to talk to. Nothing. Even after I got involved with this woman, there was no information, because she'd been out since she was eleven years old. She had a circle of friends all over and she was non-monogamous. All the words that I didn't even know at that time.
I would go to the library and read about how I was criminally ill.
Back when I thought I was straight, we were discussing The Well of Loneliness and we felt a great deal of sympathy for those poor, dear lesbians and hoped they would get it together, somehow.